Healing Through Hair Grief

The holidays can be full of fun and cheer. However for some of us, it is the most somber time of the year.

As I reflect on the rest of this year, grief is definitely resurfacing. In January of this year, I lost my grandmother who was a huge part of my life. But..I also lost my hair. Recently, I was asked by a therapist, have I truly grieved over the loss of my hair. Before then, I equated grief with death, not realizing that something in me did die. It is important to understand grief and know how to get through it, especially when it comes to your mental health. I’m not here to make you sad, but to show you in my lens where I’ve been mentally and how I am healing.

Stages of Grief:

If you’ve ever lost anything in this world, you’ve dealt with grief. Emotionally, it's a world wind. This year I had to grieve over a loved one and also my hair. After 8 years, I was just starting to really embrace my natural curls. It might sound superficial, but I feel like my hair is part of who I am. These are the five stages of grief and how it relates to my hair. See if any of this sounds familiar.

Stage 1: Denial

I was in denial that my grandma was going to make it through a fall at her age. In comparison, I was in denial on how bad my condition was. I was in shock, but I didn’t think I would deal with anything that traumatic. Not the way my life was set up! God wouldn't allow me to go through this right? Regardless of what the dermatologist said, I didn’t truly believe my lichen planopilaris was going to get that bad. I only had a few sores and had all my hair. Let me just take the medicine, because It was going to be ALL GOOD.

Stage 2: Anger

I’m mad AF. How can a person like me, experience this much pain? I felt like I did everything right, but I was getting hit at every angle. My grandma said she was going to live to be 100. She spoke it in existence, and I believed her. So why is all this happening? Anger is a natural feeling, and it happens during grief. I'll never forget when I fell in the shower one morning, and the rod hit me right on the head. My scabs on my scalp leaked and I was in so much pain. I didn’t go to the hospital because of COVID. I was furious that I went through that! I'm mad at all the dermatologist who misdiagnosed me. I was mad at my last dermatologist for making me believe that traditional medicine was the only answer. I'm mad at myself for not going with my gut. I'm mad at God for 2020. Mad AF!

Stage 3: Bargaining

This is the point where you’ll do anything to stop the pain. That’s when I started experimenting on everything I could think of. I even bargained with God, trying to make things right. It puts you in a place of what you could have done differently. Just like my grandmother, I felt like there were times I could have been there more or been a better granddaughter. However, it doesn’t change anything that happened.

Stage 4: Depression

At this point you’re at your low. This is not a fun place to be. My lowest point from all of this is when I cut off the entire world, didn’t answer any messages, and laid in the same spot all day staring at the wall. I did not move, eat, nothing. I don’t even think my family and friends realized how bad it was. I just laid there numb, for hours. I played Shawn Mendes song, In My Blood repeatedly, which actually later got me through. If any of you can relate, it’s sucks, but you don’t have to be stuck there forever...

Stage 5: Acceptance

Even though I have rough times, I accept where I am with my hair. When I get sad, I just look at my progress and thank God because the outcome could be different. Even though I’m hurt, I’m actually in the acceptance stage with my grandma because she lived a good life. I think it’s ok to be sad at this stage, but with understanding that it is what it is. It’s ok to feel how you feel and accept the way things are.

The Healing Process:

So what's next? You're getting through the grief process, but your feelings don't magically go away. Now it is time to heal, and get back on track with life. People have many ways that they heal, but these are the things that I am currently doing.

Faith

For all my believers, you know the power of Faith. To be transparent I‘ve questioned God, because I really felt like he took me out this year like how Debo *RIH* knocked out that dude in Friday. I’ve never gotten physically knocked out, but its its the best way I can describe how I felt. I could just see the devil standing over me yelling, “You just got knocked the F out.”

One day, I went to the Heart Pharmacy in Riverdale to buy a natural shampoo and conditioner. This random man walked up to me and said, I want to give you something. I was apprehensive, but I took it. When I looked down, it was two cards with the scripture Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (NIV Version)

Not only did he write out the scripture, but he attached a mustard seed to it. I’ve kept that card in my purse for over a year, as a reminder that all I need is Faith the size of a mustard seed. Do you know how small, but powerful that is? There is no way to get through life without a struggle. Every obstacle that you go through is part of God's plan. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV Version) Just believe in Him and what He has in store for your life. My sister Alani Adkins published a book this year called, Soul Work: Journey to Inner Healing. In the section that she's written about grief she states, "In moments of grief, the enemy wants you to doubt God." Don't let the enemy control the negative feelings that you might have about God. He is just building you up to become a better person, and preparing you for your purpose.

Therapy

Before the pandemic hit and even a few times during, I sought out counseling. Let me tell you..therapy is the best thing since Lays Dill Pickle Chips. Yes, I said dill pickle chips! It’s beautiful to have a perspective from an unbiased opinion. You think about things that you’ve never before, and they help you navigate through your feelings. Unfortunately, I became inconsistent but I am definitely seeking a new therapist. That’s how much I’m sold on it and there's so much more healing that I have to do. Here are a few resources that I used to seek counseling:

• Therapy for Black Girls

• BetterHelp

• Talk Space

Self-Care

I‘ve never truly learned what it meant to take care of myself until now. Whatever gets you in a positive, stress free space, do it! I love Zumba, taking walks, listening to podcast, reading and coloring. This blog is my ultimate self care! *praise Him* Sometimes, I’ll light a candle and drink wine *sometimes a bottle* You choose whatever makes you feel happy, and dedicate the time to do it. For me stress = more inflammation. I can’t afford to be sick, and neither can you.

Just Let Shit Go

Sometimes you have to let people or other things in your life go, while you deal with the process. Be prepared to let go some of these people and things permanently. Sorry, but if it is causing unnecessary pain and stress..BYE! Thank God for COVID, because I was able to do that naturally. All I had was me, myself and my thoughts. There were no distractions. Even if it hurt, I was able to navigate through my feelings without any interference. A lot of times during your journey, your love ones want to be there and support you. However, in many situations they really don’t understand or know what to do. Let them know it’s ok, and get the space that you need to heal.

Where Am I Now??

Honestly, I take things day by day. Sometimes, I feel beautiful, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes, I’m feeling my hair wrap and other times I just want to wear my hair down. In comparison, certain memories of my grandmother make me smile, while others break me down. Healing takes time. It is ok to not feel 100% after going through grief and any other traumatic experiences. However, it is important to not dwell on it and move through the process. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I have peace knowing that I will get there. I am in a place where I am trying to navigate back to feeling "normal". Do whatever you need to do for yourself, as long as you're healing. Just woosahhhh! It will be ok in no time.

I would like to know your thoughts!! Please comment your experiences with healing through grief. If you need to talk privately, I am just a message away.

Divinely and Peacefully,

Gia

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it is the way you carry it"

-Lena Horne

Comment · Like · Share · Subscribe

Instagram: @gigirashawn

Facebook: @unscarrednaturally